Scarlett is an exercise physiologist who found herself dispatched to Eastwood Park Prison in March 2022 by a rather unsympathetic judge who dislikes women (but probably enjoys doing sex at them).
She is a mythomaniac* and sausage dog enthusiast. She lives in London with her Tiny Terrorist of a dog, Maxwell.
She is the founder of red rehabilitation and red:REDEMPTION CIC.
Her hobbies include small dogs, fast cars and writing.
*according to one crown court judge and almost two of her exes
On this rather lugubrious morning, I was daydreaming of being assaulted by diamonds when it all kicked off with The Lesbians in the meds queue and I was instantly reminded I was still in prison. K, with her buzz cut / face piercings / Air Max lesbian uniform trifecta, was losing her shit after hearing…
A week ago, I had a barney over some baked beans, with a prison officer. After fifteen days of no bowel movements, I saw a GP who agreed with me that the inevitable causation was 90% shit food; and 10% reluctance to take a crap in front of a stranger. Because I’m not a moron,…
Today, I’m stuck between a rock and an intellectual hard place (the academic vacuum that is a prison cell); so I wrote a nice list of things that I miss: Dogs in sweaters McNuggets sharebox (and not sharing) Going to bed at hours in single figures Not waking up at hours in single figures Indiscriminate…
Prison teaches you to see all and believe nothing. I came on my period this morning, because the prison refused to prescribe my oral contraceptive pill. Asked for tampons. The maladroit officer brought me sanitary pads the size of Pampers. I asked for tampons instead. With charming incompetence, he asked me if “they do the…
Many great things happen by mistake. Like penicillin. Or botox. The bit of me that says “I’m pretty sure this is wrong, but I’m going to do it anyway” is part of the same set of instincts that makes me so great in a kitchen: When I was at ballet school and living at the…
The IK were a once highly functioning Ugandan tribe who became exiled to barren land, where they had to compete for food and resources. As a society, they became less co-operative; much like rival gangs in cities, violence increased and interpersonal relationships were brief. Life was so dreadful that they lost the capacity to feel…
I’m reading a book every couple of days. The current one is titled The Story of God by Robert Winston. In it, he argues that religion (of which I am fortunate enough to be disencumbered by interfaith recrimination – because I’m not religious), is a method of organising every corner of our existence into a…
“You can’t beat the phone company; you can’t make the waiter see you until he’s ready to see you; and you can’t go home again.” It is 5.45am and I am awake, because Pam is awake. I could / should do something like meditate, but I’ve never gotten into meditation for two reasons: I’m also…
“People who are alienated from culture through poverty or mental illness will be antagonistic towards it and will try to manipulate via an anti-culture; often criminality.” The Freedom Movement grew from three inmates to four inmates in one day with the addition of peripatetic Pam; our most spirited prisoner who sprinkles the word ‘bastard’ into…
If Babylon is the Gate to the Gods, then prison is the Gateway to Hell. This clink is full of newly detoxed female banshees threatening ABH over the choc ices at lunch. Yesterday, I was chomping on my breakfast chaff, with the incantation of being somewhere with starchy tablecloths and many courses, when I got…
It may come as a surprise to you, but I have gotten to where I am (career – not prison without any formal education. (I arrived at prison via my own brazen loquacity and one pious Pig with too few crimes to solve in the West Country). I did acquire a National Diploma in Dance…
Of all the things I am not good at, living in the real world is the most outstanding. I possess a sort of moral fluidity that makes me question why rules exist, and if and why they should apply to me. The brain is an information-hungry device. The need to understand ‘why’ is integral to…
Remember when you were under house arrest during the pandemic lockdowns, when you existed solely on Netflix, Deliveroo, Amazon Prime and lubricant? Well prison is the same, except without Netflix, Deliveroo, Amazon Prime or lubricant. Or freedom. Or access to mental health services. The impending global mental health crisis looming post-pandemic is already laughable to…
I once said the US is a shithole. I retract this statement. Prison is a shithole. The US comes a close second. I’ve been caged for twenty three hours, without exercise, and I attempt some cranial activity whilst the rest of my brain scaffolding turns into an amorphous blimp: “Morph one word into another by…
You would be forgiven for thinking that the majority of the prison population was made up of women with no brain and a lust for drugs. If you’re a cretin. The truth is far more sinister. M is an eighty three year old inmate who has a cheeky smile and walks with a frame. She…
They say we’re not defined by our mistakes, but rather how we recover from them. This is an exclusive rule for people who made mistakes and simply didn’t get caught. My criminal record fades away after some years: the internet will be around for the rest of time. Daily Mail: “Fuck the worst humanitarian crisis…
Accounting has never been my strong point. If you asked me the sum of 2 + 2, my answer would be “depends if I’m buying or selling.” I need Things, but we’re not allowed to have Things shipped in here (something about the Unholy Trinity of weapons / drugs / phones). Really I just want…
Red Rehabilitation is on hold due to “unforeseen personal circumstances”. Unlike the people who run prisons who’ve been on the planet all these years and have learned nothing, I learned from the pandemic how to run a company remotely. If it’s pandemic-proof, it’s also prison-proof. My clients are now in the capable hands of my…
I’m eight and a half hours into a sixteen month prison sentence. I’m pleased as punch I’ve blagged a TV already, but instantaneously dismayed Apple TV and Netflix don’t come as standard. The Daily Mail needs to rethink its “prisoners living better than pensioners” stance. For anyone wondering, terrestrial TV is still disappointingly dismal. Also…
There is nothing rehabilitative about prison. It is merely the warehousing of people. A storage facility for the broken humans, if you will. The rectitudinal brutality on the first page of the HMP Eastwood Park welcome pack is disconcerting: “We recognise that imprisonment can lead to depression, stress and feelings of isolation. We understand that…
redemption: the story 